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a_sporking_rat- In addition to animals and their corresponding therianthrope type, individual AB vampires have also been shown to be able to call djinn, ghosts, and merpeople, so I wondered if there was a vampire who could call humans. Then I last night...they can ALL call humans. Even basic vamps seem able to control humans like Master vampires can their animals to call. I figure that's because said vamps all started as humans, y/n? So they already have that inherent connection. That's why they can go around rolling humans, but not everything else unless that thing is their one specific OTHER animal to call!
- It turns out that there is actually a canon reason why so many vampires are French, and ones from other European countries (Germany, Russia, etc.) are seldom seen: It's because a lot of the non-French Euro-vamps got turned to toast a few hundred years ago.
http://eternaleve.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/a-review-of-laurell-k-hamiltons-burnt-offerings-chapter-thirty-four/
Historical fuckery failure aside, that is at least a decent in-universe explanation, and I therefore retract all previous statements about there being a glut of French vampires for no reason except that LKH likes them and/or doesn't seem to realize there are other countries in Europe. I did not have all the facts, and I will try to be careful to make sure that I do before making similar statements in the future. I don't feel bad one bit about snarking in general, but I am very serious about only snarking that which deserves to be snarked.
Luckily there's a lot that deserves to be snarked in....
HIT LIST, CHAPTERS THIRTY THREE & THIRTY FOUR
So, something just occurred to me: Anita having Nicky and Domino among her bodyguards makes no sense. Bodyguard means getting hurt or killed for someone. But that someone is Anita, and her bond to them means that if they get hurt or killed, SHE DOES TOO ANYWAY!
"Bernardo split us up; he took Olaf leaving Lisandro to drive Nicky and Me." Kinda like a parent splitting up kids who can't get along, eh? Olaf is "icily and completely calm" which Anita finds "more chilling than anything else he could have done, because the change of heart couldn't be real." Anita, not everyone handles anger like you. Some people DO get cold when they're mad. It doesn't mean they're not mad or trying to pretend they've changed, it's just the way they manifest it. I know, I know, it's bizarre remembering not everyone is just like you.
Lisandro tells Anita to sit up front with him. She asks why. He says she and Nicky getting "distracted" made Olaf upset and "he wanted to break you guys up." Anita asks if that means to hurt them or just stop them smooching, Lisandro says Bernardo isn't sure which is why he stopped him, Anita says she appreciates that they interceded, Lisandro says it's his job (which I like implies he wouldn't otherwise) and "Bernardo is more afraid of Edward than he is of Olaf." Anita says thanks anyway still, he tells her to ride up front, Nicky says Anita can sit back here with him, he says "I'm not driving around while the two of you make out" HAHAH YOU GO LISANDRO and Anita says they're not gonna do that and he's like ok then so what does it matter if you ride up front then and Anita realizes she doesn't have any answer. And then Nicky and her hold hands and she thinks that's why, and then wonders if she can promise they won't make out, and she realizes she can't, and "why would it matter? What was so wrong us touching each other?" Nothing when you're alone, but that is indeed awkward for Lisandro?
She says fine she'll sit up front, Nicky tells her "You're the boss, not him" and Anita says she can't promise him that the touching won't get "out of hand" and there is only "need, almost hunger" in Nicky's face, and she tells us this is the longest she's ever been away from Nicky. She compares holding his hand to being "the only anchor in all this mess" and wonders how much more she'd be compelled to make out if he were JC or Micah holding her hand instead, and wonders if not being home with her men is what really affected the rate at which she healed. No, I don't see how this makes sense either, and she doesn't explain it beyond saying that she feels better holding his hand than she has in days, but admits that could be her imagination. I think she might be grasping at straws to explain how she's become so dependent, and LKH is just trying to grasp at straws the justify Anita making out without actually WANTING to so it's not her fault she can't stop smooching on a case!
She tells him she wants to touch him and that "it's like the metaphysical tie is making you more touchable than normal." He asks what that means, and I'm counting that because obviously it means her tie to you is making her want to touch you more. She says she doesn't know what she means though but "just let me sit up front and get to the hotel. We'll go from there." He says he doesn't understand, she says she doesn't either, she sits next to Lisandro but she and Nicky still hold hands all the way there, and the chapter ends after three pages so I'm just gonna do the next one too.
What Does That Mean: 1
Chapter 34 starts with Anita telling Lisandro to park in front of the hotel office so she can ask if they have enough rooms for everyone. He does as she asks and "didn't argue" (why, did you expect him to?) and Nicky keeps holding her hand and leans forward to nuzzle the side of her face. She tells him to put his seatbelt on, he says they're going only 10 miles per hour, she reminds us how she's a seatbelt nut because of her DEAD MOTHER and personally I think that whole thing might be more effective if she *didn't* bring up said mother every time she tells someone to put their seatbelt on and then she realizes that Nicky would survive going through a windshield just fine and "if my mother had been a shapeshifter she wouldn't have died when I was eight." This is portrayed as the first time she's ever thought this, which I find utterly unbelievable. Not only is this a world where shifters and their super-healing exists, it's one where people have been shown to deliberately become shifters for the sake of said super-healing (Cherry did in order to regrow her leg after losing it in a car accident, for instance), probably one of the FIRST things that people say or think after losing a loved one is "if they'd been supernatural, they might have survived, would that be worth it?" And Anita is around them so damn much it's extra unbelievable to me she'd never think of that. "I had one of those moments of clarity, and wondered if I dated only preternatural men because they would survive." No, that would only make sense if you CHOSE to date preternatural men. You had to get with Micah because your leopards were Nimir-Ra and Nimir-Raj, you bonded Crispin and Domino and Cynric and Alex to you by supposed accident/control of the MOAD, Nicky because you 'had' to, and Meph because you 'had' to. JC blackmailed you into dating him, and...don't even get me started on Nathaniel, that's just a mess.
Dead Mother: 1
Lisandro parks. She and Nicky get out and hold hands again. She talks a lot about compromising the gun hand. Like, as in more than half a page. They go inside and smell coffee and she realizes she doesn't remember the last time she had some. "The desk clerk who had worried about losing his job at the crime scene turned from the full coffee carafe" I cannot fucking remember this guy. I even went back and checked the aftermath part of when Laila was attacked, I could not find this dude anywhere but I don't think that really matters at least. It also probably doesn't matter that he has short dark brown hair that "almost didn't match the oversized superhero T-shirt, jeans, and well-loved jogging shoes, as if his mother did his hair, but he dressed himself." What the fuck kind of hotel has the clerks dressed like this?
The clerk offers them fresh coffee and pushes up his glasses "in one of those automatic gestures people with glasses make." Something about this phrase makes me roll my eyes, as a person with glasses who does indeed push them up all the time, and I'm not sure what exactly. Anita says it smells like real coffee and goes toward it, dragging Nicky along with her, yes really. "Yes, we had bad guys to catch, but even crime fighters need coffee." She is really living in a kids comic book, I swear. Except with all the sex, I mean. The clerk talks about the coffee and pours them three cups. Lisandro observes "You like coffee" to Anita. NO FUCKING SHIT, IT'S BEEN ESTABLISHED FROM BASICALLY THE FIRST BOOK THAT'S ALL SHE LIVES ON. It's also probably the biggest difference from her and LKH: The latter doesn't actually drink coffee herself, and prides herself on being able to write about it well despite this. Really. Nicky turns it down, the clerk says he hates wasting good coffee and is glad someone is drinking it. Lisandro and Anita take their cups while Nicky stays on alert, and Anita thinks that if she can't stop being touchy-feely with him she'll have to send him home, and wonders again if she'll be so bad with Domino, and if it is "that would mean something was wrong with the metaphysics, and that would be bad." I don't see how it would indicate that, since her needing to hold a boyfriend's hand at all times is the norm
Bad Guys:1
She smells the coffee. The clerk asks how he can help her. She says sorry, she got distracted by the coffee. He says he's just glad he could help and heard about that other marshal getting hurt. Anita says they're here to get clothes for her. He asks if that means she's okay, Anita shrugs and smiles and decides she shouldn't tell him about the lycanthropy that Laila got. Lisandro adds that they need rooms too, and Anita realizes she'd gotten distracted from that and wonders what's wrong with her. Oh honey, you want a list? "I was losing focus in the middle of a case, that wasn't like me. Not to this degree anyway." I am cracking up because she just admitted it is totally like her to get distracted during cases in general though, just not THIS badly. The clerk asks how many, Bernardo and Olaf come in, Olaf is tall, Anita wonders "how it would feel to be so tall that ceilings were too short. It was so not the problem I had." It is literally impossible for her to mention the height of anyone else without mentioning her own.
Short: 1
Sooo: 1
The clerk tells them there is fresh coffee, asks how many rooms, it's three with two beds each, Bernardo thanks the clerk by name and Anita thinks how nice that is of him since the clerk isn't even female like Bernardo likes and it "made me wonder if some of the flirting from Bernardo was just a level of social enjoyment that I didn't have with strangers." Remember in Flirt, when she had the revelation that you don't just flirt with people you want to date but your friends, family, on a job interview, etc. and thus clearly she can't fathom positive interaction with anyone useless you give it a sexual label like flirting? Yeah, this is that again. It creeps me out so much. And, once again, Bernardo is the nicest person in this group. Not a hard task, but still. I also wonder if maybe he's not the flirty ladies man she claims so much as he's just actually nice to people, including women, and Anita can't imagine being nice to EW GIRLS unless you want to bone 'em?
Clerk puts the numbers in. Offers Olaf coffee. Olaf doesn't want any. Anita says he doesn't drink coffee or tea. Clerk says "Good to know" which is the only polite response I reckon he can have. Nicky says "We just drink the blood of our enemies" and Anita assures clerk that he's teasing, because I'm soooo sure he'd take Nicky totally seriously otherwise. Nicky tells him they need a room close to Anita's, but the best they have "two rooms upstairs, near your original room, and one downstairs". Lisandro and Bernardo are hanging out drinking coffee together and I want them to be buddies now. Bernardo has "added enough cream to make it tan, probably added sugar too. I thought about calling him a pussy." WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Then she gets all dizzy and has to steady herself against the desk. Nicky asks what's wrong, she says she's dizzy, she collapses, Nicky catches her, Lisandro collapses too, and Anita realizes the coffee was drugged. Bernardo goes down, and Olaf shoots the clerk as he swears he didn't know. And then she sees a black cloak and white mask and then it's a blur as Olaf and Nicky shoot at it and she prays it's not as fast as it looks. The last line is "I heard Nicky yelling my name in the dark."
We're 85% through the book, can she die now?
CHAPTER TALLIES
Bad Guys:1
Dead Mother: 1
Short: 1
Sooo: 1
What Does That Mean: 1
NOVEL TALLIES THUS FAR
Bad Guys: 18
Can't Say Penis: 20
Curves: 3
Dead Mother: 2
Flavor: 3
Guy/Girl Stuff: 24
Manita: 8
Mood Ring Eyes: 4
Needless Re-clarification: 23
Non-Answer Answers: 5
Pretty To Think So: 2
Racial Angst: 1
Short: 13
Skinny Women Suck: 3
Smells Like Home: 3
Smile Doesn't Reach Eyes: 5
Sooo: 11
Spill: 6
Sweeties: 3
Things Low In My Body: 2
Wet and Tight: 1
What Does That Mean: 17
Whitebread: 3
- It turns out that there is actually a canon reason why so many vampires are French, and ones from other European countries (Germany, Russia, etc.) are seldom seen: It's because a lot of the non-French Euro-vamps got turned to toast a few hundred years ago.
http://eternaleve.wordpress.com/2013/10/11/a-review-of-laurell-k-hamiltons-burnt-offerings-chapter-thirty-four/
Historical fuckery failure aside, that is at least a decent in-universe explanation, and I therefore retract all previous statements about there being a glut of French vampires for no reason except that LKH likes them and/or doesn't seem to realize there are other countries in Europe. I did not have all the facts, and I will try to be careful to make sure that I do before making similar statements in the future. I don't feel bad one bit about snarking in general, but I am very serious about only snarking that which deserves to be snarked.
Luckily there's a lot that deserves to be snarked in....
HIT LIST, CHAPTERS THIRTY THREE & THIRTY FOUR
So, something just occurred to me: Anita having Nicky and Domino among her bodyguards makes no sense. Bodyguard means getting hurt or killed for someone. But that someone is Anita, and her bond to them means that if they get hurt or killed, SHE DOES TOO ANYWAY!
"Bernardo split us up; he took Olaf leaving Lisandro to drive Nicky and Me." Kinda like a parent splitting up kids who can't get along, eh? Olaf is "icily and completely calm" which Anita finds "more chilling than anything else he could have done, because the change of heart couldn't be real." Anita, not everyone handles anger like you. Some people DO get cold when they're mad. It doesn't mean they're not mad or trying to pretend they've changed, it's just the way they manifest it. I know, I know, it's bizarre remembering not everyone is just like you.
Lisandro tells Anita to sit up front with him. She asks why. He says she and Nicky getting "distracted" made Olaf upset and "he wanted to break you guys up." Anita asks if that means to hurt them or just stop them smooching, Lisandro says Bernardo isn't sure which is why he stopped him, Anita says she appreciates that they interceded, Lisandro says it's his job (which I like implies he wouldn't otherwise) and "Bernardo is more afraid of Edward than he is of Olaf." Anita says thanks anyway still, he tells her to ride up front, Nicky says Anita can sit back here with him, he says "I'm not driving around while the two of you make out" HAHAH YOU GO LISANDRO and Anita says they're not gonna do that and he's like ok then so what does it matter if you ride up front then and Anita realizes she doesn't have any answer. And then Nicky and her hold hands and she thinks that's why, and then wonders if she can promise they won't make out, and she realizes she can't, and "why would it matter? What was so wrong us touching each other?" Nothing when you're alone, but that is indeed awkward for Lisandro?
She says fine she'll sit up front, Nicky tells her "You're the boss, not him" and Anita says she can't promise him that the touching won't get "out of hand" and there is only "need, almost hunger" in Nicky's face, and she tells us this is the longest she's ever been away from Nicky. She compares holding his hand to being "the only anchor in all this mess" and wonders how much more she'd be compelled to make out if he were JC or Micah holding her hand instead, and wonders if not being home with her men is what really affected the rate at which she healed. No, I don't see how this makes sense either, and she doesn't explain it beyond saying that she feels better holding his hand than she has in days, but admits that could be her imagination. I think she might be grasping at straws to explain how she's become so dependent, and LKH is just trying to grasp at straws the justify Anita making out without actually WANTING to so it's not her fault she can't stop smooching on a case!
She tells him she wants to touch him and that "it's like the metaphysical tie is making you more touchable than normal." He asks what that means, and I'm counting that because obviously it means her tie to you is making her want to touch you more. She says she doesn't know what she means though but "just let me sit up front and get to the hotel. We'll go from there." He says he doesn't understand, she says she doesn't either, she sits next to Lisandro but she and Nicky still hold hands all the way there, and the chapter ends after three pages so I'm just gonna do the next one too.
What Does That Mean: 1
Chapter 34 starts with Anita telling Lisandro to park in front of the hotel office so she can ask if they have enough rooms for everyone. He does as she asks and "didn't argue" (why, did you expect him to?) and Nicky keeps holding her hand and leans forward to nuzzle the side of her face. She tells him to put his seatbelt on, he says they're going only 10 miles per hour, she reminds us how she's a seatbelt nut because of her DEAD MOTHER and personally I think that whole thing might be more effective if she *didn't* bring up said mother every time she tells someone to put their seatbelt on and then she realizes that Nicky would survive going through a windshield just fine and "if my mother had been a shapeshifter she wouldn't have died when I was eight." This is portrayed as the first time she's ever thought this, which I find utterly unbelievable. Not only is this a world where shifters and their super-healing exists, it's one where people have been shown to deliberately become shifters for the sake of said super-healing (Cherry did in order to regrow her leg after losing it in a car accident, for instance), probably one of the FIRST things that people say or think after losing a loved one is "if they'd been supernatural, they might have survived, would that be worth it?" And Anita is around them so damn much it's extra unbelievable to me she'd never think of that. "I had one of those moments of clarity, and wondered if I dated only preternatural men because they would survive." No, that would only make sense if you CHOSE to date preternatural men. You had to get with Micah because your leopards were Nimir-Ra and Nimir-Raj, you bonded Crispin and Domino and Cynric and Alex to you by supposed accident/control of the MOAD, Nicky because you 'had' to, and Meph because you 'had' to. JC blackmailed you into dating him, and...don't even get me started on Nathaniel, that's just a mess.
Dead Mother: 1
Lisandro parks. She and Nicky get out and hold hands again. She talks a lot about compromising the gun hand. Like, as in more than half a page. They go inside and smell coffee and she realizes she doesn't remember the last time she had some. "The desk clerk who had worried about losing his job at the crime scene turned from the full coffee carafe" I cannot fucking remember this guy. I even went back and checked the aftermath part of when Laila was attacked, I could not find this dude anywhere but I don't think that really matters at least. It also probably doesn't matter that he has short dark brown hair that "almost didn't match the oversized superhero T-shirt, jeans, and well-loved jogging shoes, as if his mother did his hair, but he dressed himself." What the fuck kind of hotel has the clerks dressed like this?
The clerk offers them fresh coffee and pushes up his glasses "in one of those automatic gestures people with glasses make." Something about this phrase makes me roll my eyes, as a person with glasses who does indeed push them up all the time, and I'm not sure what exactly. Anita says it smells like real coffee and goes toward it, dragging Nicky along with her, yes really. "Yes, we had bad guys to catch, but even crime fighters need coffee." She is really living in a kids comic book, I swear. Except with all the sex, I mean. The clerk talks about the coffee and pours them three cups. Lisandro observes "You like coffee" to Anita. NO FUCKING SHIT, IT'S BEEN ESTABLISHED FROM BASICALLY THE FIRST BOOK THAT'S ALL SHE LIVES ON. It's also probably the biggest difference from her and LKH: The latter doesn't actually drink coffee herself, and prides herself on being able to write about it well despite this. Really. Nicky turns it down, the clerk says he hates wasting good coffee and is glad someone is drinking it. Lisandro and Anita take their cups while Nicky stays on alert, and Anita thinks that if she can't stop being touchy-feely with him she'll have to send him home, and wonders again if she'll be so bad with Domino, and if it is "that would mean something was wrong with the metaphysics, and that would be bad." I don't see how it would indicate that, since her needing to hold a boyfriend's hand at all times is the norm
Bad Guys:1
She smells the coffee. The clerk asks how he can help her. She says sorry, she got distracted by the coffee. He says he's just glad he could help and heard about that other marshal getting hurt. Anita says they're here to get clothes for her. He asks if that means she's okay, Anita shrugs and smiles and decides she shouldn't tell him about the lycanthropy that Laila got. Lisandro adds that they need rooms too, and Anita realizes she'd gotten distracted from that and wonders what's wrong with her. Oh honey, you want a list? "I was losing focus in the middle of a case, that wasn't like me. Not to this degree anyway." I am cracking up because she just admitted it is totally like her to get distracted during cases in general though, just not THIS badly. The clerk asks how many, Bernardo and Olaf come in, Olaf is tall, Anita wonders "how it would feel to be so tall that ceilings were too short. It was so not the problem I had." It is literally impossible for her to mention the height of anyone else without mentioning her own.
Short: 1
Sooo: 1
The clerk tells them there is fresh coffee, asks how many rooms, it's three with two beds each, Bernardo thanks the clerk by name and Anita thinks how nice that is of him since the clerk isn't even female like Bernardo likes and it "made me wonder if some of the flirting from Bernardo was just a level of social enjoyment that I didn't have with strangers." Remember in Flirt, when she had the revelation that you don't just flirt with people you want to date but your friends, family, on a job interview, etc. and thus clearly she can't fathom positive interaction with anyone useless you give it a sexual label like flirting? Yeah, this is that again. It creeps me out so much. And, once again, Bernardo is the nicest person in this group. Not a hard task, but still. I also wonder if maybe he's not the flirty ladies man she claims so much as he's just actually nice to people, including women, and Anita can't imagine being nice to EW GIRLS unless you want to bone 'em?
Clerk puts the numbers in. Offers Olaf coffee. Olaf doesn't want any. Anita says he doesn't drink coffee or tea. Clerk says "Good to know" which is the only polite response I reckon he can have. Nicky says "We just drink the blood of our enemies" and Anita assures clerk that he's teasing, because I'm soooo sure he'd take Nicky totally seriously otherwise. Nicky tells him they need a room close to Anita's, but the best they have "two rooms upstairs, near your original room, and one downstairs". Lisandro and Bernardo are hanging out drinking coffee together and I want them to be buddies now. Bernardo has "added enough cream to make it tan, probably added sugar too. I thought about calling him a pussy." WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Then she gets all dizzy and has to steady herself against the desk. Nicky asks what's wrong, she says she's dizzy, she collapses, Nicky catches her, Lisandro collapses too, and Anita realizes the coffee was drugged. Bernardo goes down, and Olaf shoots the clerk as he swears he didn't know. And then she sees a black cloak and white mask and then it's a blur as Olaf and Nicky shoot at it and she prays it's not as fast as it looks. The last line is "I heard Nicky yelling my name in the dark."
We're 85% through the book, can she die now?
CHAPTER TALLIES
Bad Guys:1
Dead Mother: 1
Short: 1
Sooo: 1
What Does That Mean: 1
NOVEL TALLIES THUS FAR
Bad Guys: 18
Can't Say Penis: 20
Curves: 3
Dead Mother: 2
Flavor: 3
Guy/Girl Stuff: 24
Manita: 8
Mood Ring Eyes: 4
Needless Re-clarification: 23
Non-Answer Answers: 5
Pretty To Think So: 2
Racial Angst: 1
Short: 13
Skinny Women Suck: 3
Smells Like Home: 3
Smile Doesn't Reach Eyes: 5
Sooo: 11
Spill: 6
Sweeties: 3
Things Low In My Body: 2
Wet and Tight: 1
What Does That Mean: 17
Whitebread: 3
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Date: 2013-10-25 07:03 pm (UTC)