KISS THE DEAD, CHAPTER NINE
Dec. 27th, 2013 05:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a_sporking_ratMy brother's baby was crying and my dad told her she'd better be quiet or else BOO THE RAT WOULD GET HER and she actually shut up! This worked TWICE!
KISS THE DEAD, CHAPTER NINE
Smith sees her come out of the alley and asks if her boyfriend is making her feel guilty like his girlfriend is to him. She says something like that, he says he thinks his girlfriend is going to dump him because she can't handle his job, Anita says at least she *can* dump him, he says what, she doesn't answer, they go back to work "and left the shambles of our personal lives for later." Shambles? God, what a drama queen. A teenager sound sulky to her and OMG MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES. I guess she means maybe the whole 'can't dump him thing' but it's always been that way with all her boyfriends because she's metaphysically bound to all of them except Asher so why's she having a crisis now? Oh right, she's too goddamned dumb to consider things like that until YEARS after the fact! And she rambles to use about how "only emotions died" with personal lives but if they fail at their real jobs then people will die but how sometimes a broken heart is so bad that "you'd trade a little less crime busting for a way to fix that part of your life." Maybe I'd feel bad for her if not for the fact that what she's upset about--that none of her harem can actually leave her--isn't something that bothered her at all until it was inconvenient to her and got her a man she didn't want, but when it was just a matter of taking away the choices of her men, well, that was just fine!
"I should have probably been more sympathetic to Smith but I was feeling too sorry for myself" I want to snark here about her selfishness, but...well, this is actually very human. It's not the usual horrific sociopathic levels of selfishness she usually displays, it's an everyday un-glamorous flaw. Lots of people, maybe even everyone at some point or another, can be so caught up in their own problems that it's hard for them to feel bad for someone else, even when they know they should and that person is having similar problems. And what's more, when she recognizes this, Anita attempts to fix it too, and tells Smith that she's sorry to hear about his girlfriend. This is such a small thing but it's really good both for writing a character in general as 'human-ly flawed but trying to be better' which is really sympathetic (at least for me) and also for someone like Anita/LKH who I would never expect it from. Smith thanks her, and asks how long she has been dating JC, she says about seven years, he says that "when you've got some downtime, I'd love to hear how you manage to have a relationship and do this job."
Sigh. And so it segues into Anita just being the guru on everything again. At least, unlike with 'Vampire Basics 101' and such, I can actually see why someone would go to her on this given that she has done this job while dating for that long. Anita says they'll never have downtime and that she's not sure what works for her will work for anyone else (which is also a shockingly mature observation from a character who usually can't fathom anyone else being different from her in how they work as a person) but that she'll tell him when they get a break. Um, a break is downtime... She also says to ask Zerbrowksi as well because he and Katie have been together for over a decade. HOLY SHIT, AND NOW SHE'S ADMITTING SHE'S NOT THE ONE AND ONLY EXPERT ON SOMETHING? AND ON RELATIONSHIPS, NO LESS, SOMETHING SHE LOVES TO PREACH RIDICULOUSLY ABOUT? WHOA. JUST...WHOA!
Smith says he just figured Zerbrowkski's wife must be a saint and he doesn't date saints. I kind of assumed maybe Katie was as much a perv as he is but that's just me. Anita, who I guess doesn't get that it's a figure of speech, says Katie is "pretty perfect" but not a saint and that "they just work together as a couple really well" and Smith asks how they do it and Anita figures that him asking in the middle of an investigation means his girlfriend must be special and important. Um, what's the investigation? Anita is going to investigate there being vampires in the city not aligned to JC, but that's not a police investigation so Smith wouldn't be on that. Right now the only remaining part of the police investigation is getting the bite imprints matched to who killed the officers, and Smith and Anita aren't involved in that. I'm confused. Did I miss something?
So sage Anita tells him how since every person is unique, every couple is unique, and what works for one couple won't work with them all, and how what works for her and JC isn't what works for her and Micah, nor is it what works for her and Nathaniel. That's true---what works for her and JC is prolonged manipulation, flattery, frilly shirts, bad French, and fulfilling Anita's fantasies of being 'forced' to wear sexy things. What works for her and Micah is raping her, then being her spineless yes-man most of the time while still pressuring her into sex with men she doesn't want to have it with, then helping her mentally enslave them forever. And with Nathaniel, what works is her manipulating the mentality he has as a result of being abused to get a pretty living sex toy and him manipulating her right back by giving her just that in return for a place to stay and everything paid for so he can squirrel away the money he makes stripping and occasionally gets his fantasies fulfilled by watching her rape other men. And she tells us how Smith met Nathaniel and Micah at Zerbrowski's house this summer at the RPIT barbeque and how it meant a lot to her that Katie invited both of them and how JC and Anita are in the tabloids because he is the "vampire cover boy" for whatever reason and so she gets her picture taken a lot with him so that's why those are the three boyfriends that Smith knows about, though there are rumors of more that she neither confirms or denies because that is "the best I could do." Honestly, if I were her, I'd confirm exactly how many lovers I had and who and fucking own it, but that's just me.
Smith then informs her that the only people on the entire squad who aren't divorced Dolph and Zerbrowski, which Anita was unaware of. I feel like this is yet another way for Anita to be special--only she and the two cops she happens to be 'friends' with are the ones with intact relationships! From the look on Smith's face, Anita again thinks he is serious about his girlfriend. Anita says she needs to talk to the vampires in custody (probably to beg them not to press charges) but that later she'll sit down and have a talk with him about relationships. I hope this never happens, it'll be excruciating to read. This is getting really boring already, I don't think I could sit through much more. She tries to make it sound like she doesn't know much about them (she's right!) but he says she must be "good at it" or that "you couldn't have so many of them that last years" and Anita tells us how she never thought about it that way and "I started to say" but doesn't actually say anything, just thinks it. Specifically, she thinks about how it's compromise that makes things work and how the men compromised for her (compromised their FREE WILL!) but then realizes "somewhere along the way I'd learned to compromise" oh yeah, like how you compromised to having sex with Meph, that was great alright "being a successful couple was learning what you were willing to compromise on, and what you weren't" and what's worth fighting for and what's not and that kind of thing. WOW, WHAT UNIQUE INSIGHTFUL ADVICE. God, you can read this in Seventeen magazine! I should know, I read it. Yes, I'm twenty-three and I read Seventeen. Shut up, I like clothes.
What she actually just tells him is that right now they have work to do. Then she pats him on the shoulder, walks away, and her phone rings with the theme from Charlie Brown, which is her song for Zerbrowski because he's messy like Pig-Pen. Zerbrowski says the vamps aren't talking and are trying to lawyer up, she says they can't do that because they admitted in front of police that they watched the officers being murdered "which makes them just as guilty in the eyes of the law as the vamps that did the bloody deed." What? Is this a vampire-only thing? Because I don't think that's how the law in our world for humans is. I'm sure it's some kind of a crime to just stand by and let a murder be committed, but I don't think you're still charged with actual murder itself? I could be wrong though. Anyway, since they're responsible for the murder of humans, they're to be automatically executed. Zerbrowski compliments her on her "fancy" use of the term 'bloody deed' and says she's right and that "they don't understand that their rights under the law are different from humans now." Legal citizens, except they can be executed for anything! "If it had just been kidnapping the girl, they could have lawyered up." So...they can be executed for shoplifting, but can get lawyers for kidnapping?
Zerbrowski says he hasn't really "pressed on that" with them yet because once they realize they're going to be executed Anita says they'll have nothing to lose so they'll go crazy and fight, which she says she'd do in their place, he says he knows she would, she asks wouldn't he, he says he doesn't know, she says letting someone kill you is harder than it sounds, he says maybe and sounds all serious and thoughtful, she asks what, he says nothing, she asks what is it, oh my god this is so dull and dumb. He laughs and then says that he's "Just thinking I hope you never end up on the wrong end of the law." Oh honey, she already is. Been there a looong time. Anita asks if he's implying she'd be treated as "less than human" by the law and "I was both angry and hurt." Again, she says she sees the monsters as people, she says she counts herself among them sometimes, but then sometimes she's insulted at the idea she might be seen as one of them by other people. She only wants to be a monster when it makes her cool and scary, but she doesn't want to lose any human rights or privileges or be inconvenienced in any ay by it. What a surprise.
Zerbrowski assures her that's not it and adds that she's a good cop. Anita says she hears "a but in there somewhere" and he says "But you react like a bad guy when you're cornered." I'd say that's her guilty conscience, but that implies she has a conscience at all. "I just don't want to see what you happen if you were out of choices." They're silent for a moment, then Anita says he's thought about this. He says he's a cop so threat assessment is what he does, and adds he wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of Dolph either. Anita asks if she should be flattered by being put on the same level as Dolph. Zerbrowski says "He's six-foot-either, you're five foot three---he's an ex-college football player and power lifter who stays in shape. You're a girl. Yeah, you should be flattered."
I....I just don't know where to start with this, goddamn.
Anita says ok, he says that's like when Katie gets "that girl silence" and he feels like he should apologize, she says she doesn't know and why should he apologize for the truth, he says he doesn't know but that she's got the tone Katie has when he's in the doghouse, she asks how he can compare her to Dolph and then to his wife, he says "You're my partner, and you're a woman; actually that's about right" and I don't really understand, nothing makes sense anymore, Anita just says okay and he says "Now that's an okay that really means okay, not that okay that women use when it means everything but okay." God what the fuck even. Anita laughs not because this is absurd but because "he was absolutely right" and then asks what he needs her to get the vamps to talk. He says he has an idea in which he will play bad cop while she will play "serial killer cop" lol Zerbrowksi she wouldn't be playing, she's illegally killed loads of people already "but we have about twenty missing vampires that have already killed two police officers. They fled because they do know that they're going to be executed when we catch them." And again, I really want to know why turning that one girl was worth enough to them to do it illegally, against her will, and to kill cops, aka forfeiting their own lives, in order to complete the process. Why is no one asking this?
Anita says they'll need to find them fast, he says he thinks the bunch they have will give up the others after questioning, Anita asks what his plan is, he tells her but she doesn't tell us what he said, she tells him "that's fucking evil." He thanks her, she says it wasn't a compliment and hangs up the phone. Anita thinks how she and Dolph are scary in their own respective ways but that Zerbrowkski "hid it better, but the inside of his head could be fucking scary too." Which we've seen exactly what evidence of up until now? I don't mind him turning out to have a hidden side, but this is just randomly dropped in with no lead-up, and not that much shock from Anita, as if she already knew this, and I think LKH probably only just thought of it now to give Anita 'reason' to do whatever 'evil' thing he's thought up. She finishes by thinking about how partners shouldn't think about what to do if their partner goes over to the "Dark Side of the Force" or "should they?"
...using terms like Dark Side of the Force completely saps any seriousness from this scene, LKH, I hope you realize that.
KISS THE DEAD, CHAPTER NINE
Smith sees her come out of the alley and asks if her boyfriend is making her feel guilty like his girlfriend is to him. She says something like that, he says he thinks his girlfriend is going to dump him because she can't handle his job, Anita says at least she *can* dump him, he says what, she doesn't answer, they go back to work "and left the shambles of our personal lives for later." Shambles? God, what a drama queen. A teenager sound sulky to her and OMG MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES. I guess she means maybe the whole 'can't dump him thing' but it's always been that way with all her boyfriends because she's metaphysically bound to all of them except Asher so why's she having a crisis now? Oh right, she's too goddamned dumb to consider things like that until YEARS after the fact! And she rambles to use about how "only emotions died" with personal lives but if they fail at their real jobs then people will die but how sometimes a broken heart is so bad that "you'd trade a little less crime busting for a way to fix that part of your life." Maybe I'd feel bad for her if not for the fact that what she's upset about--that none of her harem can actually leave her--isn't something that bothered her at all until it was inconvenient to her and got her a man she didn't want, but when it was just a matter of taking away the choices of her men, well, that was just fine!
"I should have probably been more sympathetic to Smith but I was feeling too sorry for myself" I want to snark here about her selfishness, but...well, this is actually very human. It's not the usual horrific sociopathic levels of selfishness she usually displays, it's an everyday un-glamorous flaw. Lots of people, maybe even everyone at some point or another, can be so caught up in their own problems that it's hard for them to feel bad for someone else, even when they know they should and that person is having similar problems. And what's more, when she recognizes this, Anita attempts to fix it too, and tells Smith that she's sorry to hear about his girlfriend. This is such a small thing but it's really good both for writing a character in general as 'human-ly flawed but trying to be better' which is really sympathetic (at least for me) and also for someone like Anita/LKH who I would never expect it from. Smith thanks her, and asks how long she has been dating JC, she says about seven years, he says that "when you've got some downtime, I'd love to hear how you manage to have a relationship and do this job."
Sigh. And so it segues into Anita just being the guru on everything again. At least, unlike with 'Vampire Basics 101' and such, I can actually see why someone would go to her on this given that she has done this job while dating for that long. Anita says they'll never have downtime and that she's not sure what works for her will work for anyone else (which is also a shockingly mature observation from a character who usually can't fathom anyone else being different from her in how they work as a person) but that she'll tell him when they get a break. Um, a break is downtime... She also says to ask Zerbrowksi as well because he and Katie have been together for over a decade. HOLY SHIT, AND NOW SHE'S ADMITTING SHE'S NOT THE ONE AND ONLY EXPERT ON SOMETHING? AND ON RELATIONSHIPS, NO LESS, SOMETHING SHE LOVES TO PREACH RIDICULOUSLY ABOUT? WHOA. JUST...WHOA!
Smith says he just figured Zerbrowkski's wife must be a saint and he doesn't date saints. I kind of assumed maybe Katie was as much a perv as he is but that's just me. Anita, who I guess doesn't get that it's a figure of speech, says Katie is "pretty perfect" but not a saint and that "they just work together as a couple really well" and Smith asks how they do it and Anita figures that him asking in the middle of an investigation means his girlfriend must be special and important. Um, what's the investigation? Anita is going to investigate there being vampires in the city not aligned to JC, but that's not a police investigation so Smith wouldn't be on that. Right now the only remaining part of the police investigation is getting the bite imprints matched to who killed the officers, and Smith and Anita aren't involved in that. I'm confused. Did I miss something?
So sage Anita tells him how since every person is unique, every couple is unique, and what works for one couple won't work with them all, and how what works for her and JC isn't what works for her and Micah, nor is it what works for her and Nathaniel. That's true---what works for her and JC is prolonged manipulation, flattery, frilly shirts, bad French, and fulfilling Anita's fantasies of being 'forced' to wear sexy things. What works for her and Micah is raping her, then being her spineless yes-man most of the time while still pressuring her into sex with men she doesn't want to have it with, then helping her mentally enslave them forever. And with Nathaniel, what works is her manipulating the mentality he has as a result of being abused to get a pretty living sex toy and him manipulating her right back by giving her just that in return for a place to stay and everything paid for so he can squirrel away the money he makes stripping and occasionally gets his fantasies fulfilled by watching her rape other men. And she tells us how Smith met Nathaniel and Micah at Zerbrowski's house this summer at the RPIT barbeque and how it meant a lot to her that Katie invited both of them and how JC and Anita are in the tabloids because he is the "vampire cover boy" for whatever reason and so she gets her picture taken a lot with him so that's why those are the three boyfriends that Smith knows about, though there are rumors of more that she neither confirms or denies because that is "the best I could do." Honestly, if I were her, I'd confirm exactly how many lovers I had and who and fucking own it, but that's just me.
Smith then informs her that the only people on the entire squad who aren't divorced Dolph and Zerbrowski, which Anita was unaware of. I feel like this is yet another way for Anita to be special--only she and the two cops she happens to be 'friends' with are the ones with intact relationships! From the look on Smith's face, Anita again thinks he is serious about his girlfriend. Anita says she needs to talk to the vampires in custody (probably to beg them not to press charges) but that later she'll sit down and have a talk with him about relationships. I hope this never happens, it'll be excruciating to read. This is getting really boring already, I don't think I could sit through much more. She tries to make it sound like she doesn't know much about them (she's right!) but he says she must be "good at it" or that "you couldn't have so many of them that last years" and Anita tells us how she never thought about it that way and "I started to say" but doesn't actually say anything, just thinks it. Specifically, she thinks about how it's compromise that makes things work and how the men compromised for her (compromised their FREE WILL!) but then realizes "somewhere along the way I'd learned to compromise" oh yeah, like how you compromised to having sex with Meph, that was great alright "being a successful couple was learning what you were willing to compromise on, and what you weren't" and what's worth fighting for and what's not and that kind of thing. WOW, WHAT UNIQUE INSIGHTFUL ADVICE. God, you can read this in Seventeen magazine! I should know, I read it. Yes, I'm twenty-three and I read Seventeen. Shut up, I like clothes.
What she actually just tells him is that right now they have work to do. Then she pats him on the shoulder, walks away, and her phone rings with the theme from Charlie Brown, which is her song for Zerbrowski because he's messy like Pig-Pen. Zerbrowski says the vamps aren't talking and are trying to lawyer up, she says they can't do that because they admitted in front of police that they watched the officers being murdered "which makes them just as guilty in the eyes of the law as the vamps that did the bloody deed." What? Is this a vampire-only thing? Because I don't think that's how the law in our world for humans is. I'm sure it's some kind of a crime to just stand by and let a murder be committed, but I don't think you're still charged with actual murder itself? I could be wrong though. Anyway, since they're responsible for the murder of humans, they're to be automatically executed. Zerbrowski compliments her on her "fancy" use of the term 'bloody deed' and says she's right and that "they don't understand that their rights under the law are different from humans now." Legal citizens, except they can be executed for anything! "If it had just been kidnapping the girl, they could have lawyered up." So...they can be executed for shoplifting, but can get lawyers for kidnapping?
Zerbrowski says he hasn't really "pressed on that" with them yet because once they realize they're going to be executed Anita says they'll have nothing to lose so they'll go crazy and fight, which she says she'd do in their place, he says he knows she would, she asks wouldn't he, he says he doesn't know, she says letting someone kill you is harder than it sounds, he says maybe and sounds all serious and thoughtful, she asks what, he says nothing, she asks what is it, oh my god this is so dull and dumb. He laughs and then says that he's "Just thinking I hope you never end up on the wrong end of the law." Oh honey, she already is. Been there a looong time. Anita asks if he's implying she'd be treated as "less than human" by the law and "I was both angry and hurt." Again, she says she sees the monsters as people, she says she counts herself among them sometimes, but then sometimes she's insulted at the idea she might be seen as one of them by other people. She only wants to be a monster when it makes her cool and scary, but she doesn't want to lose any human rights or privileges or be inconvenienced in any ay by it. What a surprise.
Zerbrowski assures her that's not it and adds that she's a good cop. Anita says she hears "a but in there somewhere" and he says "But you react like a bad guy when you're cornered." I'd say that's her guilty conscience, but that implies she has a conscience at all. "I just don't want to see what you happen if you were out of choices." They're silent for a moment, then Anita says he's thought about this. He says he's a cop so threat assessment is what he does, and adds he wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of Dolph either. Anita asks if she should be flattered by being put on the same level as Dolph. Zerbrowski says "He's six-foot-either, you're five foot three---he's an ex-college football player and power lifter who stays in shape. You're a girl. Yeah, you should be flattered."
I....I just don't know where to start with this, goddamn.
Anita says ok, he says that's like when Katie gets "that girl silence" and he feels like he should apologize, she says she doesn't know and why should he apologize for the truth, he says he doesn't know but that she's got the tone Katie has when he's in the doghouse, she asks how he can compare her to Dolph and then to his wife, he says "You're my partner, and you're a woman; actually that's about right" and I don't really understand, nothing makes sense anymore, Anita just says okay and he says "Now that's an okay that really means okay, not that okay that women use when it means everything but okay." God what the fuck even. Anita laughs not because this is absurd but because "he was absolutely right" and then asks what he needs her to get the vamps to talk. He says he has an idea in which he will play bad cop while she will play "serial killer cop" lol Zerbrowksi she wouldn't be playing, she's illegally killed loads of people already "but we have about twenty missing vampires that have already killed two police officers. They fled because they do know that they're going to be executed when we catch them." And again, I really want to know why turning that one girl was worth enough to them to do it illegally, against her will, and to kill cops, aka forfeiting their own lives, in order to complete the process. Why is no one asking this?
Anita says they'll need to find them fast, he says he thinks the bunch they have will give up the others after questioning, Anita asks what his plan is, he tells her but she doesn't tell us what he said, she tells him "that's fucking evil." He thanks her, she says it wasn't a compliment and hangs up the phone. Anita thinks how she and Dolph are scary in their own respective ways but that Zerbrowkski "hid it better, but the inside of his head could be fucking scary too." Which we've seen exactly what evidence of up until now? I don't mind him turning out to have a hidden side, but this is just randomly dropped in with no lead-up, and not that much shock from Anita, as if she already knew this, and I think LKH probably only just thought of it now to give Anita 'reason' to do whatever 'evil' thing he's thought up. She finishes by thinking about how partners shouldn't think about what to do if their partner goes over to the "Dark Side of the Force" or "should they?"
...using terms like Dark Side of the Force completely saps any seriousness from this scene, LKH, I hope you realize that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-12-28 06:59 am (UTC)Actually, with the advent of modern technology, this retroactively makes sense.
Theory: Anitaverse St. Louis hipsters have a bizarre fascination with a Tumblr dedicated to photographs of the ridiculous outfits amongst Anita's harem. Anita saw a news story about it in a local newspaper and took this to mean that she was an international celebrity. After all, the article said that the Tumblr had hits from over 100 countries.
Being a technophobe, she doesn't realize that the all the likes and reblogs aren't from fans and jealous hater whiner babies so much as from people going:
omggggg are these vampires for real? 400 years and no fashion sense, poor bbs
|| u need a sassy gay friend
| they are gay
but are they sassy that's the question
plz tell me theyre trolling
[random photoshop of a Shiba wearing Anita's newest outfit becomes memetic on Tumblr, and Shibanita acquires 100 followers in its first week of existence]
fUCK i can't
jc/leather tux otp
[drawing of Nathaniel fighting off his own hair] oops my finger slipped
these are not actually outfits
they're sentient parasites in search of hosts
asher let down your hair
if that waistcoat with those pants doesn't scare someone off, nothing will
wait
wait why is she hanging upside-down from that vampire's chest
how do you get out of bed and think that outfit is a good idea
|| anita
|| anita, please get all your men to become nudists
| but theyd get arrested
theyre already going to get arrested by the fashion police
might as well be easy on the eyes
does micah's outfit seriously have a third leg
||||||| GET ON LIVESTREAM EVERYONE ANITA'S GIVING FASHION ADVICE 'FOR ALL HER REAL FANS'
|||||| OMGGGGGGG
||||| POPCORN.GIF
|||| BOHEMIANRHAPSODY.GIF
||| CRYING
|| [GIFs of a burly, bearded man deliberately taking her 'advice' over the top]
| OH GOD YOU ACTUALLY PUT FOAM IN YOUR HAIR
WHY DOES THIS POST NOT HAVE MORE NOTES
no subject
Date: 2013-12-28 02:31 pm (UTC)|||||| jeanclaude's new outfit
||||| Why does he insist on flaunting his nipples?
||| i know his nipples better than my own
|| OMG LOOK AT HIS RIGHT HAND HE IS GOING TO PLAY WITH HIS NIPPLES AGAIN
| he needs to discover nipple clamps
I'd rather he discovered t-shirts
no subject
Date: 2013-12-28 08:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-12-28 10:21 pm (UTC)such ardeur
so angst
w ow
I should not want to photoshop that but oh god I am so tempted.no subject
Date: 2013-12-28 11:25 pm (UTC)YOU PEOPLE ARE BEAUTIFUL
no subject
Date: 2014-02-12 07:51 am (UTC)#help #I'm not okay #Anita Blake #I can't #NO CANS
[/tumblr]
Actually, considering how Dusty Beaver crap circulates whenever he does something, I can't say this sounds implausible. It's another delightfully insane downward spiral.